It's funny and surreal how music could transport one back in time, back into the memories. I was listening to a song just now in my room in England, and I remembered how I used to look outside my window in Vista, overlooking the basketball court and Bukit Komanwel, taking a break from studying,and wondering how my life will be in the UK.

Now that I'm already here, it's funny how I still wonder how my life will be in the UK. I'm here but not quite. I should be living in the here and now. I want to. Yet, something is still missing.

I could recall 2005 so vividly. It's effortless. But to just remember the last month is difficult.

Am I experiencing what is known as 'melancholy'?

I do not want to live an existential life!!! Perhaps my next posting (Psychiatry) will help me sort myself out. :p

Anyway, spring is in the air! It's hard to stay depressed when flowers are blooming everywhere, the sun is brightly shining, and not sweat like a pig! Life IS beautiful...:)

I love whacking balls, using my foot or the squash racquet. It releases pent-up aggression.

Oh yes, I can be quite aggressive when I want to.

I may look nice, but please do not take advantage of my niceness.

However, I strive to remember Brother Tan's advice: there is no point in anger. Let it go. Be calm and peaceful.

But some people could be so stupid sometimes.

WHACK!

You know, if I just bluffed my way through, saying that I really deserved an 'A', I most probably would get it.

But noooo, I have to be so honest and straightforward.

And again, it boiled down to LACK OF CONFIDENCE to pull it off.

Bodoh benar. Grrrrrrr.

Sigh... the 'A' that got away...

Not that it really matters. It doesn't count in my exams. But what a lesson. At the expense of a grade. All because I lack confidence.

No way I'm letting my lack of confidence affect my grades, my life anymore. Bangang betul.

Okay, time to move on. I'm not even that into Obs & Gynae! :p

"Forgive me if I sttttart to stutter..." - Teddy Geiger, For You I Will (Confidence)

To inspire confidence, one must be confident.

I was assessed again today. It was an attachment at a place notorious for getting easy 'A' grades. But the consultant just had to ask me this:

"So what grade do you think you deserve?"

Bloody shit. I was so tempted to just bluff my way through and say 'A' confidently and smile smugly. But I couldn't. Because I'm a f*cking terrible liar. And I know that I haven't been an 'A' quality student throughout the attachment, especially with the lack of interest in the subject. (I have to chant this mantra when I feel lazy - "Lack of interest does not justify slacking..." x100). I haven't been brilliant in answering questions. In fact, I've been quite blur to not able to answer some simple questions.

So why am I so upset?

The consultant gave his feedback. He wasn't mean or anything - in fact, he's lovely! I got upset because what he said was the truth.

That I lack confidence. And that was the one and only reason why he didn't give the 'A' apparently. There is always some form of hesitancy about me, when I answer questions, when I present a case history. I would start out brilliantly, and then I would get into this 'hesitant mode' and ruin things for myself. I cannot deny what he had said, because it is all true.

Why? I dunno. But I know it is a long-standing problem ever since I could remember. I would work really hard and do well in school, but everytime an exam is around the corner, I would go into panic mode. And my dad and Adlina would always remind me to "Have confidence!"

I never got an A in IMU OSCE because of this. And the lack of confidence is not just limited to my studies. There were times during practice when I doubted my ability to play futsal, to be a good defender for the Red Foxes. Those days, my performance suffered. But thank goodness we had loads of practice, and being surrounded by confident, cocky (and damn proud of it! :D) teammates, I can't help but feel confident myself. And it really worked, being surrounded by all the positive energy.

I find it incredibly ridiculous that I lack confidence in something I am so sure of, something I am completely passionate about. I know for a fact that I am meant to be a doctor. Not just an ordinary doctor, but a kick-ass doctor. I'm not being arrogant or anything - Medicine is my calling. So why am I finding it so difficult to talk the talk and walk the walk?

I wish I have the natural confidence of Sheena, Nadia or Ken Lin. Or at least give the impression of confidence. But I don't. And I guess I am one of those people who have to work on it. And work, I will. I'll be damned if don't graduate after 3 years in England as a confident and competent houseman.

I must believe in myself more. I will grow to be more confident.

But I sure do miss being surrounded by the confident, cocky Jalil Hill crew. :)

Thank you, Mr Guirgis, for waking me up.

A consultant once told me that I was comfortably better than average, and he asked if I wanted to be a distinction student or was I happy with where I am right now. I said distinction, of course. He then told me that to be one, I'll have to put in more effort and hard work. But I definitely have the potential. :)

That was 3 months ago, back when I was doing Medicine. Surgery has come and gone. I'm at the end of my Obs & Gynae attachment. I'm still doing the same things, putting in similar amount of effort as I did before. Understandably, I've been getting the same grade.

I was talking to the 5th year senior the other day about being on the Distinction List. How could I aspire to be on the list, get the Distinction grade when the consultant is hardly around sometimes? He then told me this disturbing piece of information:

"To be a distinction student, you have to be seen by your consultant ALL the time. You gotta do nights, you gotta do weekends... and then you'll get an A."

WTF?!!?

I was quite disturbed, because being the academically ambitious person that I am, I would really want to aspire to be on some kinda list that makes me stand out as a great medical student. But on the other hand, I really wanna enjoy my 3 years in England as much as I can because I know I will regret it if I don't. (As it is, I already have one regret, which is not going for the Ash concert in the University. The ticket was only 10 quid. Aaaarrgghhh! Oh well, hopefully they'll come again next time). And which will make better memories in the long run? Slogging away and being on the Distinction List? Or working as hard as I can and playing as hard?

I already made up my mind. It's just a shame that it's at the expense of the List. Why can't I have it all? SIGH.

Now, in Seremban, every single person is made to work hard so that makes things easier. If you're really good at it, you WILL stand out. You don't have to play the bloody game of 'Let The Consultant See Your Face.'

Oh well. I'm going to see Take That live in December so yeah, I'm really happy! No regrets there. None at all. ;)

I Miss Disney Channel

And Nickelodeon, too.

Just a random thought. :P