Confidence

"Forgive me if I sttttart to stutter..." - Teddy Geiger, For You I Will (Confidence)

To inspire confidence, one must be confident.

I was assessed again today. It was an attachment at a place notorious for getting easy 'A' grades. But the consultant just had to ask me this:

"So what grade do you think you deserve?"

Bloody shit. I was so tempted to just bluff my way through and say 'A' confidently and smile smugly. But I couldn't. Because I'm a f*cking terrible liar. And I know that I haven't been an 'A' quality student throughout the attachment, especially with the lack of interest in the subject. (I have to chant this mantra when I feel lazy - "Lack of interest does not justify slacking..." x100). I haven't been brilliant in answering questions. In fact, I've been quite blur to not able to answer some simple questions.

So why am I so upset?

The consultant gave his feedback. He wasn't mean or anything - in fact, he's lovely! I got upset because what he said was the truth.

That I lack confidence. And that was the one and only reason why he didn't give the 'A' apparently. There is always some form of hesitancy about me, when I answer questions, when I present a case history. I would start out brilliantly, and then I would get into this 'hesitant mode' and ruin things for myself. I cannot deny what he had said, because it is all true.

Why? I dunno. But I know it is a long-standing problem ever since I could remember. I would work really hard and do well in school, but everytime an exam is around the corner, I would go into panic mode. And my dad and Adlina would always remind me to "Have confidence!"

I never got an A in IMU OSCE because of this. And the lack of confidence is not just limited to my studies. There were times during practice when I doubted my ability to play futsal, to be a good defender for the Red Foxes. Those days, my performance suffered. But thank goodness we had loads of practice, and being surrounded by confident, cocky (and damn proud of it! :D) teammates, I can't help but feel confident myself. And it really worked, being surrounded by all the positive energy.

I find it incredibly ridiculous that I lack confidence in something I am so sure of, something I am completely passionate about. I know for a fact that I am meant to be a doctor. Not just an ordinary doctor, but a kick-ass doctor. I'm not being arrogant or anything - Medicine is my calling. So why am I finding it so difficult to talk the talk and walk the walk?

I wish I have the natural confidence of Sheena, Nadia or Ken Lin. Or at least give the impression of confidence. But I don't. And I guess I am one of those people who have to work on it. And work, I will. I'll be damned if don't graduate after 3 years in England as a confident and competent houseman.

I must believe in myself more. I will grow to be more confident.

But I sure do miss being surrounded by the confident, cocky Jalil Hill crew. :)

Thank you, Mr Guirgis, for waking me up.