Today I provided comic relief by asking a really stupid, unthinking question to a patient.

I hate being stupid and incompetent. I have a helluva lot of catching up to do in Final Year. Especially if I want to survive as a doctor in Malaysia.

4th year has afforded me a lot of traveling opportunities, in which I'm grateful for. But it has reached it's natural end.

Time to buck up soon.

On a completely different note, I really miss New York. I really wanna go there again. :)

I feel like blogging now. Just because.

4th year has been interesting so far. The research project has been educational, but I can't wait to finish it completely in May. My project has not been too bad. I would like to think that my academic writing has improved, that I've sharpened my critical appraisal skills, and that I've learned useful things outside the medical syllabus.

But, damn, I miss clinical medicine.

Our specialty postings are short and sweet. I realised that orthopaedics is quite fun and I actually enjoyed dermatology and GUM more than I thought I would. I found opthalmology and ENT a bit boring, though. I have not used my stethoscope since the beginning of 4th year. I'm glad for the GP postings actually, no matter how all of us complain about it. At least I get to practice some semblance of history taking, and the patient population of my GP was an eye-opener (it's situated at rehab central). I'm just waiting to do my one-week stint in Neurology...

I look at my rotations schedule for 5th year, and it makes me excited. 8 weeks in Medicine in a large hospital near London. Right after that is my SSU (another elective, basically) in which I intend to do another 4 weeks of Medicine somewhere in the UK.

5th year is the time to work... 5th year is the time to shine...

Our M2/03 buddies in Seremban are graduating in August this year... and Capt'n KenLin got a job with Johns Hopkins, WOO HOO!!!... how quickly time flies.

I've been very fortunate in my life. What I've set out to do, I've achieved so far. I feel very blessed, indeed, to be able to travel the world and experience life outside Malaysia. Malaysia is home, and I will definitely settle down in Malaysia in the future. But in the meantime, there's so much to see and so much to do in this world...

The Flatmate and I were discussing this: while we were stuck in Shah Alam doing our A-Levels, did we ever imagine our lives could be this good? Celebrating the New Year in beautiful Vienna, shopping in New York, going on a gondola ride in Venice over Easter...

What does the future hold for us?

I know that great things await. Not that I'm perasan or delusional. Okay, maybe a little bit. :P But I know within us, is a great potential waiting to be unleashed, waiting for the right moment to shine in all its glory.

Your Johns Hopkins success is an inspiration to us all, Mao! :D

We all will shine in our own ways, in our own time.

Enough of this meaningless rambling. Over and out.

Home is where the heart is. The trouble is, my heart is kinda confused. You see, though my family is here and my friends are here in Malaysia, I find myself looking forward to be back in Soton, which is unlike most of my other friends who are currently studying overseas. The noted exception would be Miss Adlina but she's no longer a student and she's a self-confessed Anglophile and willing whore to John Simm and David Tennant. But I get it - 'cos I love John Simm too, though not as much as she does. ;)

Back in Soton, I complain about the lack of American tv. And when I'm here, which channel do I watch most of the time? BBC Entertainment.

Yes, the heart is definitely confused.

But you know what? After weeks of questions mulling through my head, there is a sudden clarity. And it doesn't matter where I'm at. I may not know where home is yet, but I know who I am.

My new theme tune:

Real Girl by Mutya Buena
If I had one chance to
Live my life again
I wouldn't make no changes
Now or way back when (yeah)
And if everything turns out
The way I hope it goes
But I cant wait to find out
What it is that God knows

But I don't wanna think about
What's gonna come around for me
I'll just take it day by day
'Cause it's the only way
To be the best that I can be

I never pretend to be something I'm not
You get what you see, when you see what I've got
We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl
I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself
I don't need permission from nobody else
'Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl
I know exactly who I am

And nothing's ever perfect
There's no guarantee
And if I knew the answers
It would put my mind at ease (no)
So I'll just keep on going
The way I've gone so far
And maybe I'll end up
Tryin' to catch a fallin star (yeah)

But I don't wanna think about
What's gonna come around for me
I'll just take it day by day
'Cause it's the only way
To be the best that I can be

I never pretend to be something I'm not
You get what you see, when you see what I've got
We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl
I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself
I don't need permission from nobody else
'Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl
I know exactly who I am

Baby this is who I am
Don't need you to understand
'Cause everything is right where it should be
It wont be long til you know about me,
'Cause I don't give a...
Even when I'm out of love
'Cause everythings just how it should be
And it wont be long till you know about me

I never pretend to be something I'm not
You get what you see, when you see what I've got
We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl
I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself
I don't need permission from nobody else
'Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl
I know exactly who I am

I never pretend to be something I'm not
You get what you see, when you see what I've got
We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl
I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself
I don't need permission from nobody else
'Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl
I know exactly who I am

I know exactly who I am

When something out of the blue happens, what do you do?

Do you embrace it whole heartedly and throw caution to the wind?

Or do you approach it carefully with a wary eye?

I used to do the former. But it didn't work out the way I hoped it would. It's now the latter.

Have I become so cynical to the point where I just don't feel anymore? Or am I just afraid to feel?

Anyhow, I need more to feel comfortable again. Because I'm tired of history repeating itself... several times.

Of all the many things I could study in this world... why did I choose to do Medicine?

I used to be able to say with unwavering confidence that it is my calling. Now I'm not so sure.

I hope I'm just taking a break from Medicine, and only a break. I guess everybody has one of these days... right?

I've had plenty of holidays before in the past, but I've never truly taken a break. Sometimes, when the holidays are too long, I get what I coined myself as the 'Holiday Blues'. I'm halfway through my summer hols now, another 4 more weeks to go... and currently I've been experiencing this entire week what I dub as a break. No multiple different thoughts whizzing through my head like a flying circus, no restlessness within my soul. Just plain existentialism in my solitude. I feel as though I'm really taking a break from life right now, a break from Medicine and everything else. I'm floating about as an observer of my life, taking stock of all my life's experience, trying to make sense of them all as I try to find out who I was, and who I have become as I eat, sleep and attempt to re-read the entire Harry Potter series everyday.

It's weird, I must admit. This had never happened before. But it's been great. This holiday has proven to be a better respite than I've imagined it would be.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to float about in my little bubble again before it pops in my flight back to London due to cabin pressure.

The Patriot

"A true Malaysian patriot loves Malaysia and all Malaysians." - PM of Malaysia, 2007

"Not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more. Had you rather Caesar were living and die all slaves, than that Caesar were dead, to live all free men?" - William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar, Act III Scene 2 (Brutus)

Happy 50th Birthday, Malaysia. You're certainly getting older. But wiser?