Home is where the heart is. The trouble is, my heart is kinda confused. You see, though my family is here and my friends are here in Malaysia, I find myself looking forward to be back in Soton, which is unlike most of my other friends who are currently studying overseas. The noted exception would be Miss Adlina but she's no longer a student and she's a self-confessed Anglophile and willing whore to John Simm and David Tennant. But I get it - 'cos I love John Simm too, though not as much as she does. ;)

Back in Soton, I complain about the lack of American tv. And when I'm here, which channel do I watch most of the time? BBC Entertainment.

Yes, the heart is definitely confused.

But you know what? After weeks of questions mulling through my head, there is a sudden clarity. And it doesn't matter where I'm at. I may not know where home is yet, but I know who I am.

My new theme tune:

Real Girl by Mutya Buena
If I had one chance to
Live my life again
I wouldn't make no changes
Now or way back when (yeah)
And if everything turns out
The way I hope it goes
But I cant wait to find out
What it is that God knows

But I don't wanna think about
What's gonna come around for me
I'll just take it day by day
'Cause it's the only way
To be the best that I can be

I never pretend to be something I'm not
You get what you see, when you see what I've got
We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl
I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself
I don't need permission from nobody else
'Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl
I know exactly who I am

And nothing's ever perfect
There's no guarantee
And if I knew the answers
It would put my mind at ease (no)
So I'll just keep on going
The way I've gone so far
And maybe I'll end up
Tryin' to catch a fallin star (yeah)

But I don't wanna think about
What's gonna come around for me
I'll just take it day by day
'Cause it's the only way
To be the best that I can be

I never pretend to be something I'm not
You get what you see, when you see what I've got
We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl
I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself
I don't need permission from nobody else
'Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl
I know exactly who I am

Baby this is who I am
Don't need you to understand
'Cause everything is right where it should be
It wont be long til you know about me,
'Cause I don't give a...
Even when I'm out of love
'Cause everythings just how it should be
And it wont be long till you know about me

I never pretend to be something I'm not
You get what you see, when you see what I've got
We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl
I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself
I don't need permission from nobody else
'Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl
I know exactly who I am

I never pretend to be something I'm not
You get what you see, when you see what I've got
We live in the real world, I'm just a real girl
I know exactly where I stand

And all I can do is be true to myself
I don't need permission from nobody else
'Cause this is the real world, I'm not a little girl
I know exactly who I am

I know exactly who I am

When something out of the blue happens, what do you do?

Do you embrace it whole heartedly and throw caution to the wind?

Or do you approach it carefully with a wary eye?

I used to do the former. But it didn't work out the way I hoped it would. It's now the latter.

Have I become so cynical to the point where I just don't feel anymore? Or am I just afraid to feel?

Anyhow, I need more to feel comfortable again. Because I'm tired of history repeating itself... several times.

Of all the many things I could study in this world... why did I choose to do Medicine?

I used to be able to say with unwavering confidence that it is my calling. Now I'm not so sure.

I hope I'm just taking a break from Medicine, and only a break. I guess everybody has one of these days... right?

Break

I've had plenty of holidays before in the past, but I've never truly taken a break. Sometimes, when the holidays are too long, I get what I coined myself as the 'Holiday Blues'. I'm halfway through my summer hols now, another 4 more weeks to go... and currently I've been experiencing this entire week what I dub as a break. No multiple different thoughts whizzing through my head like a flying circus, no restlessness within my soul. Just plain existentialism in my solitude. I feel as though I'm really taking a break from life right now, a break from Medicine and everything else. I'm floating about as an observer of my life, taking stock of all my life's experience, trying to make sense of them all as I try to find out who I was, and who I have become as I eat, sleep and attempt to re-read the entire Harry Potter series everyday.

It's weird, I must admit. This had never happened before. But it's been great. This holiday has proven to be a better respite than I've imagined it would be.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to float about in my little bubble again before it pops in my flight back to London due to cabin pressure.